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A Plea to the Cyber World

I get irritated sometimes by acronyms, and one in particular really butters my poptart … hmm, ok, so that’s not an expression. But you know what I mean.

Anyway, what is the deal with “lol”? I mean, how often are people really laughing out loud when they type that? Here’s my guess: RARELY! I’d say it’s far more likely their eyes crinkled, they cracked a small smile, or maybe their body shook a bit with humor.

But was there an audible expression of your tickle-ment? Doubtful.

So what I’ve taken to doing, if I really have offered a hearty guffaw to the world around me, is writing: “Lol, literally.”  Now, I’m not one to use that phrase very often. There are far too many sports announcers already out there  overemphasizing their statements with this particular adverb: “Wow! Johnson literally just exploded off the line!” Well, that sounds rather  messy. I hope they have a bit of bleach to get the red stains out of their Astro Turf.

Because so many people have misused the “lol” phrase for far more minor expressions of comedy, I have felt that I must confirm that I truly did push a little air through my diaphragm because of their joke or witticism, and, in the process, I wasted a good .432 seconds of my life writing it out.

So here’s  my plea: STOP USING LOL UNLESS YOU MEAN IT LITERALLY!

Perhaps then I can save those wasted moments and do something more useful with them … like updating my Facebook status.

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Want the Good News First? Or the Bad?

So I had surgery two Thursdays ago on my left ankle. Though I’m finally off of those damn crutches (armpits rejoice!), I’m still wearing an oh-so-lovely big, black boot to protect my healing wound from the elements. Sadly, the boot has severely limited my pant selection, barring all but those bell-bottomed enough to swallow the girth of my not-so-fashionable fashion accessory. On the upside, my sock collection has, for all intensive purposes, doubled in size.

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Laughter Might be the Best Medicine, But It’s NOT the Best at Convincing

So it turns out, if you laugh right after you seriously tell someone, “I believe you …” you subsequently negate the honesty of your earlier assertion of belief.

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Alas …

When I log into WordPress, I head over to their main page, a  process that entails seeing the “Freshly Pressed” collection of blogs that are oh-so-subtly named “The best of 361, 690 bloggers.” They may as well say, “See these blogs? They’re way better than yours. Somebody actually reads them.”

Ouch.

And if you look only a little more closely (don’t worry, you don’t have to read them all; just look at the pretty pictures and read the big, bold words), you’ll note that many of these posts are about food and drink. Which, of course, makes sense. People like to eat and drink.

So blogging about how to sip with sophistication and what to add to your sauce to perfectly infuse it with flavor makes sense. It’s interesting and appetizing.

Alas, my cooking abilities are, well, a bit less refined.

I have a little hope. My father’s cooking abilities have aged like a fine wine.

Though we were never a McDonald’s drive-through family, I do remember “yellow dinner night,” a hearty and delicious dinner of fish sticks, fresh from the freezer, honey to dip them in and corn. Mmmm. And then, we’d wash it down with a swig of Ecto-Cooler … remember that stuff? Slimer from the Ghost Busters endorsed it … augh.

Now he adds caramelized onions, sautéed mushrooms and merlot to his spaghetti sauce. He makes his own chili and adds a pinch of sugar to counteract the acidity of the tomatoes.

So maybe I have the gene … somewhere.

Just don’t expect me to blog about it.

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In Search of a Sobriquet

You know, a sobriquet … a pseudonym … a  nom de guerre … a glorious and awe-inspiring epithet. I just decided I need one.

Really, anyone who’s anyone has a designation other than that given them by their mom and dad.

I mean, who would have read about Plain-Belly Sneeches (or Star-Belly Sneeches, for that matter) if Theodore Geisel had signed his name at the  bottom of the book. But Dr. Seuss … That’s an author who razzle-dazzles the little listeners and  puts a dance in the eyes

of the parents who smile

at the children they have on their laps.

Or how about Cherilyn Sarkisian? What a dreadful, mouth-filling jumble of “sh”s. She went to the opposite end of the spectrum and simplified her seven syllables down to a much more mouth-friendly, single-syllabled, Cher.

And my dad … I even got bored of calling him his fatherly title. Fred. That’s what I settled on. So what if it sprung from the name we always jokingly gave to the boxelder bugs who had strayed into our house: “Court, will you get Fred out of here?!” It’s a term of endearment now … in an odd way, perhaps, but a benevolent  byname certainly.

I suppose I’ve had some notable nicknames throughout my life. My volleyball team members called me “Red” for while, after I forgot how susceptible my acne medicine made me to UV rays. I went by “Colorada” when my dad (Fred) suggested Anne Marie and I both adopt new names for our vacation to a dude ranch in that mountainous state.

But now … I mean, it’s difficult to shorten “Courtney.” Sure, there’s “Court,” and I suppose that’s what those closest to me have landed upon, or perhaps those too lazy to languish over the “ney.” I guess I could go by “Holden,” but then, I’m not the point guard on the high school boys’ basketball team. I think I grew out of that one once I grew a pair of boobs.

Though, this is the hard part … you know. The whole coming-up-with-a-sweet-nickname thing … something catchy and fun … original, innovative, memorable.  Something that my friends will like, that my family will approve of, and whose origin my future-husband won’t question.

Thoughts?

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